By Christine DuRoss, Certified Hypnotherapist

The holidays are approaching and I’m curious, what kind of response does that elicit from you? It can be a tricky time. Some have positive memories and associations, others less so. Yet regardless of whether or not you look forward to the month of December and everything it brings, it’s generally considered a time of heightening in many forms. Last year, I conducted a poll through my social media where I asked people how they felt about the holidays. Responses ranged from about a third of people stating they were “excited to bring on the merry!”, a few admitting they were “just trying to get through it”, but the largest group of over 65% naming themselves as “something in between.” That somewhere in between is an interesting place to be, and one that leaves room for where I think a lot of us find ourselves. A space of complex feelings, nostalgia, memories and meanings, pressures, expectations, and the like. Despite higher demands on our time, wallets, and energy, many want to truly enjoy this time of year and welcome the opportunity for celebration and festivities. 

What I've noticed with clients and in my own social circle is that most people feel a higher than usual degree of pressure as the holidays approach. Those pressures can take many forms: the pressure to make experiences special and memorable, for children to experience the “magic” of the season, to attend many gatherings, to host, to purchase thoughtful and intentional gifts, to travel, to consume, to meet others’ expectations, to meet your own expectations … 

And of course this makes sense. Our culture is one in which phrases like “the most wonderful time of the year” are embedded explicitly through marketing and Christmas carols and implicitly through nostalgia and tradition. Pressures aren’t necessarily negative, but it’s something to consider if the pressure you find yourself under comes from within or outside of you, and then to ask yourself with compassion and reason if there are any shifts you’d like to make as we approach the holiday season this year.

I have an exercise, some tips, and an invitation to offer you this holiday. As with anything written for a general audience, these recommendations may or may not land with your exact circumstances so please take what serves you and leave what doesn’t. 

Journal Exercise

Give yourself some quiet space to do this exercise, when you feel calm and feel available for some personal exploration. You might even set the mood by lighting a candle, preparing a cup of tea, and putting on relaxing music. You’ll need a notebook and pen, or your computer set to a fresh word document. 

Reflect back on the last few holiday gatherings you attended and notice, was there something that annoyed you? Anything that stands out in your mind as different than it should have been? Did you feel triggered, irritated, emotional, or did you have a reaction that felt disproportionate to the situation when you look back at it now? Jot down the event, what came up for you, and the emotions, responses or thoughts that the situation evoked in you. 

Emotions and responses like this hold so much information about your inner world of beliefs, hurts, expectations, and core desires. Give yourself the freedom to write without holding back or censoring your responses. When you’ve recorded what felt the most emotionally-charged or triggering to you, take a few deep breaths and then answer the following questions when considering the upcoming holiday season: 

• Are you holding anyone to an expectation that may be beyond what that person is willing or capable of meeting? 

• Is there a way of being that you really hope someone shows up in, but fear that they may not? 

• Are you allowing how you feel, act, or respond to be determined by the way someone else shows up? 

• Is there anyone who has the power to ruin your day by what they say or do? 

• What is the ideal way you’d like this upcoming holiday to go? Try to focus on what you will prioritize and what energy you’d like to embody. 

• What 3 words would you like to characterize this holiday for you? For example, peace, calm, festive, charitable, soft, family, gentle, joyful, connection, quiet, etc. Whichever words you choose, see if you can feel into them and then make decisions about what you’ll do, how you’ll take care of yourself, and what you’ll say yes or no to from that place. 

Tips for the Holiday Season

Plan ahead

Preparation is a friend in times of busyness and stress, so consider having a flexible plan that ensures you’re taking care of yourself. Think about what time you want to arrive and leave an event, if you'll consume alcohol, and if so what your alcohol consumption will be. Take good care of yourself by ensuring that you eat the day of an event to keep your blood sugar stable. Stable blood sugar equips us with access to our logical thinking minds in times of heightened emotion.

Have some responses ready

Sometimes these times can become stressful because there may be people asking you about certain things that you might not want to talk about (job, having a baby, getting married, making any sort of life decision, etc). Having some go-to responses ready helps relieve anticipatory anxiety, and also it helps if in a heightened moment you find that you have trouble articulating yourself (and then later think of the perfect thing to have said). When crafting a response, consider how you might answer in a calm yet clear way that this isn’t something you want to discuss, and then perhaps distract with a question, joke, observation, etc. Keep things light-yet-firm; most will get the message loud and clear. 

Decide there are certain topics you’ll avoid

This is about setting the intention for the day and a boundary around what you are available for. There is a time and place to address what needs to be addressed between people. I am an advocate for this, and I also know that there is a way to do it well. That means not addressing deep emotional wounds when you or the other person doesn’t have the time, space and emotional energy to do it. If you’re already in a heightened emotional state, it is likely not the best time. Perhaps you decide that at this holiday gathering or interaction, you will avoid certain topics and instead, set your intention.

Set your intention

How would you like this to go? It could be calm, staying even-tempered, perhaps even letting go of the past for now in favour of being in the moment and enjoying it for what it is.

Be in the moment

Can you enjoy this season for what it is?Perhaps you could arrange it so that there is at least one event that you are truly looking forward to - even if that means planning it yourself. Check in with yourself as you go, asking yourself what it is that you need, and then take the time and space necessary to take good care of yourself. You deserve that!  

Invitation

If you’re finding yourself in need of some extra support, I encourage you to book in with your therapist. Self-care is often the first thing to get bumped off the schedule when we get busy, but it’s also the thing that builds access to internal resources that help bolster the ability to meet challenges and handle demands with more ease. This is a time when our unique circumstances benefit from nuanced support, and it can be so helpful when that support comes from outside your social network and from someone who doesn’t have any expectation of you to meet their own needs.